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Effenheimer Fundraising System

by The Big E on March 25, 2010 · 6 comments

Tired of going to fundraisers for politicians?  Tired of organizing fundraisers for your favorite politicians?  Shouldn’t raising money for politicians be easier?  Well, now with my patented Effenheimer Fundraising SystemTM, all those things are in the past.

Worried your favorite candidate for office might stick his/her foot in her/his mouth?  Concerned your candidate might not be mentally stable?  Sick of doing damage control after your boss publicly embarrasses him/herself once again?  You need to try the Effenheimer Fundraising SystemTM.

Results of the Effenheimer Fundraising SystemTM are guaranteed or your money back*.

Here are some testimonials from a few satisfied customers…

“My boss yelled “You Lie!” at the President during the State of the Union address.  Normally, I’d have braced myself for a good week’s worth of damage control, but with EFS the money’s been rolling in at a faster clip than for our Democrat Party opponent.”
Anonymous staffer for Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)

“I’d heard from some of [Rep. Joe] Wilson’s staffers that they’d been raking in the cash and so when my boss lost his **** and yelled at [Rep. Bart] Stupak, I just went online, used the campaign credit card and downloaded EFS.  I don’t think we’ve seen the end yet of how much we can raise with this method.”
Anonymous staffer for Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX)

“Our entire strategy centers around EFS.  Michele is constantly on Fox and the radio and we can’t keep her to talking points.  Before, we actually worried that she’d really do herself in one of these times.  Like on Hardball with Matthews.  We were seroiusly worried with that one.  But then we discovered EFS.  We were one of the first to use it.  Now we hope that her latest conspiracy theory gets mocked by Olbermann — it’s money in the bank every time he does.
Anonymous staffer for Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN)

* – This software does not protect anyone from libel, slander or prosecution.  Fundraising results are guaranteed but not reelection results.

dan.burns March 25, 2010 at 3:58 am

the system can’t be countered.  Except by an overall upsurge in IQ among conservative donors, which is unlikely.

Did you cross-post this anywhere?  

The Big E March 25, 2010 at 4:51 am

Here’s the link.  Please help me get rec listed … plz, plz, plz, plz, plz, plz, pretty plz?

dan.burns March 25, 2010 at 5:15 am

I’m ‘chuck412′ at dkos.  looks like you’ll need a…i hate to use the term ‘surge’…to reach the gold standard of the kos reclist, though.

The Big E March 25, 2010 at 5:51 am

It’s funny how the really great insightful post you think will get rec listed … nada.  The really funny post (at least to me) … nada.  But sometimes I’ve just timed them right and shazam!

dan.burns March 25, 2010 at 7:58 am

a chance with the ‘Rescue Rangers,’ or whatever that deal is?  I’ll try and remember to check, later.

I brought it up in that comment before because I thought this post was great and had a chance.  Maybe a different title would have done it.  

MsTigerHawk March 25, 2010 at 5:48 am

Great blog, Big E. You’ve outdone yourself again. Love your humor. And the point of this post is so true. Especially the part about a candidate sticking a foot in the mouth.  

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